Ok, Now it's My Turn

[SpringCreek]

Well since I don't have any friends anymore I might just as well say it here loud and proud.

I'm seeking a separation from my wife.

My best and only real friend has told me that he can't deal with us talking about it even though he has gone through the same thing years before. And so now since I don't have anyone to talk to about it I've chosen to make a small blurb here.

The shit hit the fan yesterday morning when my wife innocently asked me if I was going to have coffee with her. I said no and that I was going down to the local diner to have one and talk to the old farmers like I always do. That set it off. I can't stand spending time with her because I resent her. She uses me.

I'm not going to trash talk my wife here too much but suffice to say that the incompatibility issues are at a breaking point lately. I"m tired of her being, lazy, unmotivated and wholly dependant on me. I'm tired of her leaving the same pile of dishes in the kitchen for days, her complete and utter lack of wanting to live sustainably. Besides I sleep in the basement by the woodstove on a futon while she sleeps on our brand new queen size bed and has done so for the last few years. I"m sick of it and it all has to change.

I really got a wake up call when I observed all the couples attending the Organic Conference that I recently went to. AND all the single women too! I'm not a cheater but I'm really thinking that there maybe someone else out there for me. And maybe not too. I'm 43 years old and quite content to be on my own so perhaps I won't go that route either.

One thing is for sure...if I DO get involved with someone else, she will be more hard core at sustainable living than me so that for once I can be driven. As it is, even being a little heavy, I can outwork most of the young spoon-fed punks I see around me day to day. What I need is a reason to live the sustainable life and live by my own wits. I grow and can food and all that but still the processed food is piled up in the pantry while my past canning sits and sits. WTF?

My ace in the hole is that I own 2 houses and they're both paid for. She gets one and I get the other on the farm. We're still sorting through this but I'm determined to get a new life out of this.

Yesterday was the worst day of my life so far. I'm hoping that today and tommorrow will set me on a path to happiness even if I have to pay through the nose to get out of this mess.

[rangerone314]

Good luck! That's a rough thing to go through...

Been through that with the first wife... the second wife is a far better situation (although I am still somewhat hamstrung by child support for 6 more years yet)

[General Doom]

Damn, SCF, good luck. I hope it works out okay for all of you (IIRC you have a few kids). These things are never easy.

[redstategreen]

I'm sorry it's come to this.

It sounds as if she's depressed. Maybe this will wake her up some and let her see what she's going to lose.

Let us know if there's any way we can help.

[Ludi]

I can't imagine, SC. I'm so sorry this has happened.

[rangerone314]

It sounds a little bit like the mother in "The Day After" who goes around trying to do housework while the nuclear missiles have been launched. Maybe she is just depressed and doesn't want to face what is coming down...

Everyone comes around to things at different speeds...

[Ferretlover]

Life is short. And, since there is no afterlife, you might as well make your life what you want it to be while you're here.
Sorry about all the distress you've felt.

[patience]

You'll make it through this, and come out better. I felt that there was something wrong for a while. You're a good man, as we all know here. Hang in there.

[kpeavey]

Man, that's a hell of a bit of news. You are one of my favorite doomers. Hang in there.

[Newfie]

Spring,

At about 37 to 38 I was pretty close to your situation. I had been sleeping on the patio or family room for a couple of years. In my experience we had divorced emotionally years before we divorced in the legal sense. I spoke with her briefly last summer at a sons wedding. She has not changed.

For what ever reason I was not able to leave her. But when my Father died something changed in me, it allowed me to move out. At the time of separation I was so bitter and turned off by women that I was even starting to wonder if I was not gay and simply denying it. It really attacked my sense of self, but I had to leave or one of us was gonna end up dead and I didn't fancy dead or jail. Her? Either one would have been an improvement. Yeah, I'm still bitter - beauty is skin deep but ugly goes to the bone, and it got real ugly.

I had some pretty rough years but things ended up far better for me. My NEW wife (of nearly 20 years) is a sweetheart and I love her dearly.

No advice here, you have to make your own way. But whatever you decide others have made the same trip before and survived and even thrived. But it can be a miserable rotten time in the middle.

Best of luck to you.

[SpringCreek]

Thanks everyone. I'll figure this out. Most important is my 3 year old son. I'll do what it takes to protect him.

[rangerone314]

I have a simple system with the wife... if there is stuff that needs to be done, like we are running low on food so a grocery run is needed, and running low on clean dishware so dishes need to be done, I offer the wife the choice of doing either the grocery run OR the dishes, and then I'll do the other.

There is nothing so fair as presenting two tasks that need to be done, and then letting the other person choose which, sort of like one person cutting the pie, and letting the other person choose the first slice.

[Ferretlover]

I never know what to say in situations like this. I have written and rewritten this post. What it boils down to is this: I am sorry that your marriage did not work out, and I hope the current pain & regret is not too much for you to deal with and that what emerges as your life situation is more satisfying.

[hermes]

SpringCreek:

I'm also very sorry to hear about what you're going through. You haven't asked for advice... but I'm going to give you some - take it or leave it.

I am in my second marriage and while the divorce to my first wife COULD have been really horrible we ended up being great friends. Being friends helped immeasurably through the breakup process and frankly in the rebound process too so I could move on and not carry the baggage from the last marriage.

In my case, and I imagine in most cases, during the breakup I was tempted to be pissed as hell at my wife for having "done this to me". I remembered all the things I'd tried to do to make the relationship work and all the things she did to screw it up (from my perspective), and all the time I'd "lost" in the relationship and my resentment grew.

Through various steps though we put that all past us and carved out a friendship. I would say the major mental steps I took to get there were to understand:

• All relationships have a lifespan - just like all THINGS have a lifespan. The natural lifespan of our relationship was about 1-1/2 years less than when we got the divorce. The relationship was already essentially dead - just kept on life support by both of us trying to make it work. "Til death do us part" does happen sometimes for some lucky couples - but for us it didn't.
• We both had tried very hard to make things work but finally our quirks, temperaments and wounds made the natural lifespan of the relationship what it was. We could get beyond our basic incompatibilities by putting "work" into the relationship - essentially by putting the relationship indefinitely on life support - but we didn't want to do that for the rest of our lives. Sure partners fight and have arguments sometimes but with a couple who're highly compatible they generally work out the issues and things get better. With us things got worse with each argument, which was a sign that we weren't very compatible.
• It was my decision to stay in the relationship just as long as I did - she didn't make me do it. Conversely it's been her decision to stay in as well.
• Under all the hurt we still love one another and care about one another. We don't need to be TOGETHER to express this love and care though - we can be friends.
• To remember that a big part of my pain was that the "life story" I'd painted for myself was crumbling. I needed to let that go and make room for a new picture of how my life would look. Furthermore actively imagining my wife and I being friends - talking about our new partners to one another, comparing notes on our lives, etc. - helped a lot.
• Remembering that although I could suggest my wife come to grips herself with all the above points, I could not force her to. Rather I should focus on working through these items myself and giving her the room and time to work through them herself; This was an individual journey now that we each had to take - to lay the relationship to rest.

Luckily she and I didn't have a child together so that was easier than otherwise, but as you both have a child together I suggest even MORE emphatically that you try and transition your relationship into a friendship. You're both going to be dealing with one another for the rest of your lives, so you might as well make the best of it ASAP.

[FlyingTurntables]

SC, I'm sorry to hear that. You are doing the right thing. It wouldn't be fair to your child to live that way. It will be difficult, but hang in there. Try and think about the positive things that are still in your life while you're going through the hard times.

[SpringCreek]

Thanks again folks. Thanks Hermes for the advice. I'm thinking that she and I can be friends at least for our son's sake. Now if I could just stop eating chocolate chip cookies...........